Bryan’s inspiring story

Bryan came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” Demanded Brian, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”. The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter”. Brian was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.
St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. “This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen,how are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies Brian, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”.
“Never” replies Brian
“Well just relax and let it happen”
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him… ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Brian, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you’re sh*tting on the bed.”

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Cartoon: Latest Terrorist Threat - Bird Flu

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George Bush's Mailbox

 

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How To Catch a Lion

Ø Newton's Method:
Let, the lion catch you.For every action there is equal and opposite reaction.Implies you caught lion


Ø Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will alsorun faster andwill get tired soon.Now you can trap it easily.

Ø Software Engineer Method:
Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proventhat its a Lion. Ifanyone comes back with issues tell that you willupgrade it to Lion.

Ø Indian Police Method:
catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it toaccept that its alion.


Ø IITian method:
Give fundebazi to lion, that you are the great andrest of people areusless..their life is not worthy... Lion will surrenderItself.

Ø George bush method:
Link the lion with osama bin laden and shoot him!!!

Ø Menaka Gandhi method:
save the lion from a danger and feed him with somevegetablescontinuously.

Ø Ravi Shastri method:
Ask the lion to bowl at u.U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run

Ø Govinda method:
Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.

Ø Yash Chopra method (director):
Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in agood sceniclocation.

Ø Karan Johar Method (director):
Send a lioness into the forest.Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other.Send another lioness in to the forest, followed byanother lion.First lion loves the first lioness and the second lionloves the 2ndlioness. But 2nd lioness loves both lions. Now sendanotherlioness(third) into the forest.You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15yrs, then alsou wont !

Ø Manirathnam Method (director):
Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put thelion in a darkroom with a single candle lighted.Keep murmuring something in its ears.The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

Ø Jayalalitha Method:
Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM andkill it, whileit's sleeping !

Ø Rajnikanth Method :
Keep warning the lion that u may come and attackanytime.The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.

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Illusion

 

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Maria Sharapova bikini pics from Sports Illustrated

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Lady at a Lexus showroom

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn’t pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.
“Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?” Very uncomfortably she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?”
He answers, “Madame, I’m very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price.”

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Merry Christmas

 

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Riya Sen

 

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Miss Pakistan swimsuit round pic

 

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Birdflu

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Obsessions with women’s breasts

A middle-aged man had an obsession with women’s breasts. So he went to a psychologist and told the doctor about his problem.

“I am going to do word association,explained the doctor. “I am going to say a word, and you will say the first thing that come to your mind.”

“Oranges,” said the doctor.

“Breasts,” replied the patient.

“Apples.”

“Breasts.”

“Watermelons.”

“Breasts.”

“Wipers.”

“Breasts,” said the patient with the same reply.

“Wait a minute! I can see the connections between oranges, apples, watermelons and breasts. But automobile’s wipers? Where is the connection?” asked the doctor.

“Easy … one on the left and one on the right!”

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Neha Dhupiya

 

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Smile Please

Message* Behind every successful man, there is a great woman and behind every great woman, there is a smart guy staring at her butt.
* If you don’t believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
* Opinion is like an ass hole, everyone has one.
* A mistress lies between a mister and a mattress.
* Chess players mate better.
* Excuses are like asses: everyone has em and they all stink.
* Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg do not find nuts.
* If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put you between F and CK.
* Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage.Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.
* Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.
* If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you’re doing it wrong.
* There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - don’t and stop, unless they are used together.
* The difference between a husband and a lover is the difference between day and night.
* I love you in blue. I love you in red but most of all. I love you in bed.
* Prostitution is a hole sale business.
* A tight dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view.
* It is good for woman to meet man in park, but better for man to park meat in woman.
* What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
* Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
* Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight.
* I’m not attracted by a girl’s mind … But by what she doesn’t mind.
* Guns don’t kill people… Husbands who come home early kill people.
* Gettin’ married is like getting into a bath tub.After you get used to it, it ain’t so hot.
* Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy!

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Sushmita Sen

 

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Aishwarya Rai

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Gayatri Joshi

 

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Charging her husband for sex

A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband. “Don’t you love him anymore?” asked the lawyer.“Oh, I still love him,” the chick replied.“But all he ever wants is sex, I can’t take it.”“Instead of divorcing him why don’t you try charging him every time he wants to make love?” the lawyer suggested.
The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try. As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the hard word on her.
“Not so fast,” she replied. “From now on it’ll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom.”
“Well, then,” he said. “Here’s $50.”The wife began walking to the bedroom. ” Hold on,” he said, grabbing her hand. “That’ll be five times in the kitchen!”

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Goshtly Phone Number - Very Funny

 

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Perfect breasts

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?
“Are you nuts? !!” she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” he asks again.
“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. “Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?”
She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there.”
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?”
“Nah”, he replies. “Costs too much…”

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Some Important Laws Which Newton Forgot to State…

LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

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Film Review - Fight Club by Taran Adarsh

Posters of the desi FIGHT CLUB instantly conjure images of the videshi FIGHT CLUB [1999; Brad Pitt, ''Michael Meatloaf Lee Aday]. But barring the title and the basic premise [of starting a fight club], there's nothing remotely similar about the two films. Having said that, let's also add that in this rapidly changing scenario, when Bollywood is churning out novel stories, a few storytellers continue to have faith in the tried and tested formula.FIGHT CLUB, directed by Vikram Chopra, is one such film.Nothing wrong if you believe in the oft-repeated masala, but you ought to go that extra mile to give all that and more to the viewer of today. Unfortunately, FIGHT CLUB is only style, no substance. The film bears a polished look all through, but how one wishes the makers would've served the entertainment-hungry moviegoer a sumptuous fare.Standing on a weak foundation [plot], the screenplay is nothing but an assemblage of a few well executed sequences. But let's not forget that gloss and glitter cannot substitute for an arresting plot. Visually and technically, FIGHT CLUB may be a notch above the ordinary, but when it comes to content and the overall impact, the zing and dynamism are clearly missing.To sum up, this 'club' will not find many members flocking it!FIGHT CLUB tells the journey of four friends, Vicky [ZayedKhan], Karan [Dino Morea], Somil [Ritiesh Deshmukh] and Diku [Aashish Chowdhry], who, in a constant endeavor to help each other, get entangled in a web of incidents, some romantic, many funny and all that test the extremes of their friendship.The four friends, who could be mistaken for brothers, are an example of wonderful camaraderie. The story takes a turn when Vicky stumbles upon the idea of a Fight Club, a club which gives people a platform to score with their enemies in an atmosphere of fun, action and excitement.Amidst the on-going fun, team Fight Club get entangled in affairs of the heart and mind with Anu [Dia Mirza] and Shonali [Amrita Arora], which thicken their bonds tighter… and make them travel to Delhi to look after a nightclub, 'Crossroads', which is in the eye of a storm created by Delhi's most dangerous ganglords.There's a twist in the tale as the ex-kingpin Anna's [Suniel Shetty] brother Mohit [Yash Tonk] gets killed. This fills Anna with vengeance and situations take an ugly turn. Dinesh [Ashmit Patel], a merciless soul, masterminds the plan of killing. His brother Sandy [Rahul Dev] gives him strong company, as always.Team Fight Club calls on their ace, Sameer [Sohail Khan], a bouncer, to tilt the balance in their favor. In the puffed up atmosphere of fists and fights, Sameer finds love in the name of Komal [Neha Dhupia]. Now, in a strange new city, these five boys from Mumbai experience love, passion and also the worst enemies in the form of ganglords.If there's one aspect that you carry home after FIGHT CLUBhas concluded, it's the skillfully executed action sequences. Of course, the film has to live up to the title, but not at the cost of throwing the story on the backseat. That's precisely the problem with FIGHT CLUB.Actually, come to think of it, the film stands on a feeble foundation. The basic premise -- of starting a fight club to settle scores with foes -- sounds juvenile. The concept may've appealed in the U.S., but expecting the Indian masses or the youth in particular to buy this idea is next to impossible.If the material is amateurish, the screenplay is of convenience completely. In fact, out of the 2.45 minutes' length of this film, half of it is devoted to either singing, dancing and light banter and the remaining half goes into fights, fights and more fights. The story, sadly, comes to the fore only in the penultimate reels.Director Vikram Chopra has concentrated more on visuals than content and that's the reason why the film fails to hold your attention. The sole aspect that stays alive even after the show has ended is the action sequences, but that's no compliment. It's a clear case of form overpowering content!Music [Pritam] is a mixed bag. Barring two tracks, the first song and 'Chhore Ki Baatein', which are foot tapping, the soundtrack is monotonous otherwise. Cinematography is eye-catching. The film has an upmarket look from start to end. Stunts are outstanding, but the MATRIX effects are getting repetitive. Dialogues lack novelty.The story doesn't demand histrionics, but the ones who stand out are, in this order, Zayed Khan, Dino Morea and Sohail Khan. Suniel Shetty is wasted. Ritesh also doesn't get much scope. Aashish Chowdhry irritates. Yash Tonk goes over the top. Ashmit Patel and Rahul Dev are okay. The leading ladies don't get much scope either, but Dia Mirza is easy on the eyes. Amrita Arora and Neha Dhupia are hardly there.On the whole, FIGHT CLUB is all style, no substance. But, let's not forget, all that glitters is not gold. At the box-office, it's one major disappointment!

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Blonde - A School Story

A girl came skipping home from school one day.
“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, ” we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. 10!
“Very good,” said her mother.
” Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”
“Yes, It’s because you’re blonde.”
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, ‘ we were saying the alphabet today and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B , C , D, E , F , G!”
“Very good,” said her mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”
“Yes, It’s because you’re blonde”
“The next day the girl came skipping home from school.“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled ” we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls have flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36cs.
“Very good,” said her embarassed mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”
“No, honey. It’s because you’re 24!”

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Amitabh and Playboy

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Lecture On Supernatural

A professor at Oklahoma State University was giving a lecture of the supernatural. To get a feel for his class, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?”About 90 students raise their hands.“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”About 40 students raise their hands.“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” About 15 students raise their hand.“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” 3 students raise their hands.“That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.The professor takes off his glasses, and says “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, “So, Bubba, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?”Bubba replied, “Daaaang!!$!From way back thar I thought you said “goats.”

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Khushboo - The Latest Controversy

Khushboo's controvertial fake pic which a famous magazine maxim published in the cover page............and for which the actress has claimed 30 million rupees to the magazine.....

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